Good Morning Girls!  For years I've wanted to write a book.  I mean years.  It's something that has been in my heart forever.  The funny thing is, I never had any idea what I would possibly write about.  It seemed like all I ever came up with were titles.  There were some great titles.  I remember sitting at my sales desk in the health club yelling out possible book titles to the rest of the sales crew.   They would critique them and give me thumbs up or thumbs down.  Many of them were plays on words.  Clever, witty, titles.  The problem was, once they all loved a title, one rude person would ask "what would it be about?".  I would sit there for a moment and say "well....you know.......it would be about........well....... it would be about.....I don't know guys.....you heard the title....what does it sound like it would be about?".  
That was always the problem.  I had great titles.  Great attention sparking titles.  But no substance to fill the pages.  To be honest with you, that is how I have felt about myself for a majority of my life.  I have felt as though I am a great title, with no substance.  I am clever, witty, and funny.  I can draw you in- no problem.  The problem was once I drew you in, I didn't know what to do with you.  There was nothing to offer.  I didn't know who I was, what I stood for, what I believed in, what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do,  or what I even wanted from life.  I didn't know anything about myself.  If I didn't know anything about myself, what was I supposed to offer anyone else?  I was a great title, with blank pages.
That is probably why if you asked 10 different people from different (or some the same even) periods in my life, who I am,  and what I was like, you would get 10 different answers.  I was always trying to be something.  I was always trying to match a title.  This often led to a life of contradiction.  For example, I was cute and spunky in high school.  It only made sense that I would be a cheerleader.  Since I was a cheerleader I should hang out with the jocks right?  I should date football players right?  And I did, in the beginning.  However, there was a problem.  I did not like the jocks, and they really did not like me much either.  In fact there was a mutual disgust for each other.  I wasn't good enough in their eyes.  They were phony cookie cutters in my eyes.  I may not have known who I was, but at least I knew I was different!
 I liked hanging out with bad boys.  Not hard core bad boys, but the ones who liked to party and hang out- without pretense.  So Friday nights I would cheer at the football game and then after, when the players and cheerleaders got together and ate sloppy joes and watched Letterman (lame), my friend and I would head to the field party.  We were the only ones there in cheerleading skirts doing keg stands.  It worked for me.  I was a little bit in both worlds, but not fully in either.  I thought it was a good balance.
This really was my life for many years.  I never committed to one title.  I always had at least two, sometimes more.  That way I never had to figure out who I really was.  When things got too close under one title, I would pop into another one for awhile.  They were never compatible though.  They always contradicted each other--so no matter where I was, I felt like a phony.  It wasn't on purpose.  I didn't want to be a phony.  I just didn't know who I was.
Looking back, I know this was a big part of my bouts of depression.  Something would happen and I would find myself wondering "who am I?".  It is terrible to have no idea who you are and what you believe in.  When these feelings would surface, I would run from them.  I would usually look for the answers at the bottom of a pitcher of margarita's or whatever my current drink of choice was.  Needless to say, I never found them.
I was in and out of therapy during high school and college- usually around big decision making times.  What college should I go to?   What major should I go into to?  What should I do when I graduate from college?  I had no idea the answers to any of these questions....and it would crush me to the core.  Now I know that those questions are stressful for most people.  It's just that for me, it was more the realization each time that I had no idea who I was that sent me into a downward spiral.  It would take weeks, sometimes months to get me fully functioning again.
There were 2 things that kept me alive during those times.  Number one- I'm driven.  Even when I was completely messed up, I wanted to be successful.....even if I had no idea what I wanted to be successful at.  I kept moving along in life.  Doing what I thought was the natural next step in my life.  I always got good grades.  I always did my best.  I had a survival instinct that kept me going even in the worst of times.  Looking back, it really was quite amazing.  However, the real reason I am still alive, I didn't know about until years later.  It was the Lord.  I believe with all my heart that even then, when I did not know Him- He was watching over me and protecting me.  He was pursuing me with His goodness and unfailing love,  just ike it says in Psalm 23:6.
I know this because I should not be alive today with some of the choices I made.  I remember waking up in my car.....in the drivers seat......on train tracks.  I would have no idea how I got there.  I didn't even know where I was exactly.  But somehow I would get home safely.  I drove drunk a lot.  Something I am not proud of, but Praise the Lord, I am forgiven for, and after years, I have finally forgiven myself.  There are many examples of when the Lord had a direct hand on me and my life that I can see now.  It baffles my mind that I was blind to it as it was happening.  Back then I just figured I was lucky, and smart.....too smart for my own good.
I have had many titles over the years.  Daughter, student, fat girl, graduate, employee, drunk, gambler, smoker, ski bum, girlfriend, wife, mother, homemaker, runner, writer, speaker.  Some of the titles I embraced- some just happened.  Some of them I have tried to excel at.  Others I have tried desperately to get away from.  Perhaps you know what I mean.
Of all the titles I have held, none has changed me and my life like the title of Christian.  Once I was given the title of Christian, I started figuring out who I was.  It did not happen overnight.  It has not been easy.  It has not come without a price.  I'm eleven years into this title, and I am still learning and figuring it out.  I am still filling the pages of my life's book.  I am still discovering the substance under my most precious Title. 
And that is the journey I would like to take you on.  The journey of one Girl filling in the pages of her life's book.  Figuring out all that it means, and does not mean, to have all of these different titles.  And to know deep down that the most important Title is the one that allows us to be all of the other titles. It gives us the ability to excel at the titles God pleases us to have.  It also gives us the power to say good bye to the ones that no longer apply to us.