Good Morning Girls!  It is by faith that I sat down at the computer this morning.  It is by faith that I am even attempting to write.  I apologize in advance for what could very well be a page of ramblings and drivel.  I guess I figured going through the motions would be better than skipping it all together.....again.  You know, that whole "fake it til you make it" philosophy, or whatever.
To be honest with you all, I am not really sure what is going on these days.  On the one hand, I am having a great time with the Lord- letting Him love on me and fill me up.  Ever since I fully understood (well I guess I don't know that we can ever fully understand.....but understanding as best as my human mind can understand), I have really loved returning to a pure and simple relationship with the Lord.  I have felt so at peace (for the most part) with my life and our circumstance.  I have felt like my relationship with the Lord is so much more real and secure now that I am not frantically trying to ensure that I stay under his "umbrella of protection".......and freaking out when I feel like I've blown in and am hanging out there on my own.  My praise and worship time is awesome as it has moved from feeling like a plead for forgiveness and acknowledgment to a time for me to simple tell Him how much I truly adore Him and am amazed by Him. 
I have also been very careful not to fall into old habits.  Habits of doing things under pressure.  Whether it be pressure from myself, pressure from those around me, or pressure in the form of guilt from the enemy.  When I read my Bible, I do it for myself.  When I pray, I do it from the heart....even if that means one day I am only up for 2 minutes of prayer time.  I have spent many mornings sitting on my reading chair in the living room, drinking my coffee and talking to God.  I have done this during my normal writing time, and it has been wonderful.
I have tried very hard not to move my faith back over to "works" mode- you know, where I start to go through my spiritual checklist each day.....validating my position as a mature Christian.   I have guarded my heart with the message of grace in it, determined to keep my relationship with Jesus pure.  I believe it is important to keep myself from returning to some of my old ways of thinking and doing. 
My motives are very pure in this.....yet I admit my flesh is loving it.  You see, I've noticed over the last couple of weeks that what started out as me keeping my relationship simple, has slowly turned into me doing whatever I want to do.....and not doing anything I don't want to do.  I don't feel like writing.....that's okay, they will understand, and God still loves me.  I don't feel like setting my alarm.....that's okay, I need the rest, and God still loves me.  I fell like eating insane amounts of sugar (I finished the last of my husbands Christmas stocking chocolates last night when I was irritated with him).....that's okay......this is the season for "special treats", and God still loves me. 
How thrilled and thankful I am to have this revelation that God loves me no matter what......but I am starting to see how the enemy has  taken this pure message of grace and twisted it.  Maybe I shouldn't even give the enemy any credit....like I said before, my flesh is loving this whole "if you don't want to do it, don't do it" mentality I have slipped into.  God did not pour out his grace on me so that I can lie around, eating bon bons (literally), enjoying his favor and blessings.  No, he poured out grace and favor on me so that I can in return spread the message of his undeserved grace and favor.  As the children's song says "hide it under a bushel...NO!  I'm gonna let it shine!"  And that's what I am going to do.
Dennis Burke said something at church yesterday that re-lit my passion to return to work for the Lord.  He said our life is like a billboard for the world to see.  The world should be seeing that it is good to be a Christian.  The world should see that we are more than conquerors, that we are the head and not the tail, that we are above and not beneath, that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.  Yesterday, as I lie in bed for 6 hours (I promise, I am not exaggerating), I pictured my billboard.  There I was, face down on my bed, surrounded by caramel wrappers, one arm raised mumbling Jesus loves me this I know.  It gave me a little shudder.  I whispered a little prayer "Lord, help me get things back on track......I'm not even confident of where the track is right now".  And so here I am.  One step at a time.  I will start with my writing.  I will take on some of the other areas soon.
My prayer is that I can find that balance.  The balance of doing the Lord's work, without crossing over to "works", all the while never losing the truth of the grace that is poured out on my life daily.  I laugh, and cry, and most of all am humbled at how you all have watched me float around from one ditch to the other......yet you are still with me.  You have seen me go from full on passion about writing to falling off radar, over and over again.  You would think I would finely quit.  I thought about it, but then I thought:  We all have our areas of "writing".  Perhaps in me showing you all my struggles you can relate it to yours.  Each time you see me get back up again, perhaps you will feel a longer stronger in getting back up yourself.  If that is the case, I will humble myself over and over again until my last breath!

Ephesians 2:6-7 For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus.  So God can point to us (his billboards) in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus.

Love you all-
Jen