Healing Theory
Good Morning Girls! Yesterday I mentioned that one of the reasons I believed the Lord has me on a sugar fast is because it is one of the answers to my deepest pleas for healing. I would like to talk about it today. The healing I have been praying for is more of a mental/emotional healing rather than a physical healing. However, the cause of my need for healing is my body. Confused? Let me explain.
As long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight. I was put on my first diet at 6 months old. The pediatrician told my mom I could only have green vegetables and meat. No starchy baby food. Yep.....I was probably the youngest one to ever be put on the South Beach Diet. It did not work. All of my life I was conscious of my weight. My weight changed from year to year. I have skinny years, fat years, and a couple normal years (though at the time I thought they were fat years).
I grew up watching my mom go through the same thing. She was always starting a new diet. She also had her share of heavy years and normal years. We knew when she would be starting a new diet. Dad would be extra quiet.....not wanting to poke the bear, for she was fierce. Please do not think I am blaming my mom.....I am simply saying that I grew up in a home where it is normal to dislike and desperately want to change your body......yet somehow being able to do so.
Over the last few years, I have worked really hard to change this mindset. I would tell my friends "I do not want to be 65 years old and still be on a diet. I want to enjoy my life!". Up until the day my dad died, my mom had a weird relationship with food. However, now that he is gone, she seems to have loosened up a bit. She goes out to eat more. Orders a burger instead of a salad (unless she actually wants a salad, where as before it was "I have to get a salad"). She no longer recites to all of us what she has or has not eaten all day. Her form of healing came when she lost my dad. Oh the irony. The one man who patiently listened to her complain about weight and food for 57 years, is the reason she is healed......but he is not here to enjoy it! Perhaps all of her efforts were to please my dad. However, he didn't care what size she was. What I think made it hard for her was the fact that my dad was never big. He was pretty small in fact. My mom and I have always weighed more than my dad.....and it drove us nuts!
So I have worked hard to break free from this vicious cycle of my weight equally my self worth. However, I assumed the only way to break free from it was to lose the weight. Somehow a certain number on the scale would manifest my healing....both physically and emotionally. However, it hasn't worked out that way. You see, each time I get down to the magic healing number, I still do not like what I see. So, the magic healing number changes. I often say "I will try 5 more pounds, and then, no matter what, I will be done". That final 5 pounds has been eluding me for 2 years now. And I am tired of fighting it. In order to lose this last five, I need to channel all of my energy and focus on my food and exercise, and it has taken me away from my life. I want to be done with it. Every once in a while I get up the ambition to focus on it, and I come close....for about a day, and then I put it back on. More time wasted. More discouragement. More of me thinking about me.
And that is really the problem here. All this energy wasted on me trying to feel good about me is energy I could be pouring into my family. My marriage. My writing. My husband just called and said he forgot the books he was going to bring with him on his work trip. I answered him all disgusted and put out...reason being my mind was panicking thinking "Now you will have to forfeit your workout time!". He will be gone for 6 days....and all I can think about is my workout for today.
The Lord has been telling me to give up sugar. My initial thought was that it would be the cure to those last 5 pounds. But I'm not so sure that's the answer at all. I'm starting to think that by going sugar free I will simply feel better. And in feeling better, I will....I don't know.....feel better. I won't be so concerned with a number. A size. I will feel free. And in that freedom I will no longer equate a number on the scale with finally being the Girl I was meant to be. I don't know. Only time will tell. Only God knows the end from the beginning. I'll just go along for the ride, and believe He has got it all worked out!
Love, peace, and thanks to you all-
Jen
Psalm 118:5 In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and set me free.
As long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight. I was put on my first diet at 6 months old. The pediatrician told my mom I could only have green vegetables and meat. No starchy baby food. Yep.....I was probably the youngest one to ever be put on the South Beach Diet. It did not work. All of my life I was conscious of my weight. My weight changed from year to year. I have skinny years, fat years, and a couple normal years (though at the time I thought they were fat years).
I grew up watching my mom go through the same thing. She was always starting a new diet. She also had her share of heavy years and normal years. We knew when she would be starting a new diet. Dad would be extra quiet.....not wanting to poke the bear, for she was fierce. Please do not think I am blaming my mom.....I am simply saying that I grew up in a home where it is normal to dislike and desperately want to change your body......yet somehow being able to do so.
Over the last few years, I have worked really hard to change this mindset. I would tell my friends "I do not want to be 65 years old and still be on a diet. I want to enjoy my life!". Up until the day my dad died, my mom had a weird relationship with food. However, now that he is gone, she seems to have loosened up a bit. She goes out to eat more. Orders a burger instead of a salad (unless she actually wants a salad, where as before it was "I have to get a salad"). She no longer recites to all of us what she has or has not eaten all day. Her form of healing came when she lost my dad. Oh the irony. The one man who patiently listened to her complain about weight and food for 57 years, is the reason she is healed......but he is not here to enjoy it! Perhaps all of her efforts were to please my dad. However, he didn't care what size she was. What I think made it hard for her was the fact that my dad was never big. He was pretty small in fact. My mom and I have always weighed more than my dad.....and it drove us nuts!
So I have worked hard to break free from this vicious cycle of my weight equally my self worth. However, I assumed the only way to break free from it was to lose the weight. Somehow a certain number on the scale would manifest my healing....both physically and emotionally. However, it hasn't worked out that way. You see, each time I get down to the magic healing number, I still do not like what I see. So, the magic healing number changes. I often say "I will try 5 more pounds, and then, no matter what, I will be done". That final 5 pounds has been eluding me for 2 years now. And I am tired of fighting it. In order to lose this last five, I need to channel all of my energy and focus on my food and exercise, and it has taken me away from my life. I want to be done with it. Every once in a while I get up the ambition to focus on it, and I come close....for about a day, and then I put it back on. More time wasted. More discouragement. More of me thinking about me.
And that is really the problem here. All this energy wasted on me trying to feel good about me is energy I could be pouring into my family. My marriage. My writing. My husband just called and said he forgot the books he was going to bring with him on his work trip. I answered him all disgusted and put out...reason being my mind was panicking thinking "Now you will have to forfeit your workout time!". He will be gone for 6 days....and all I can think about is my workout for today.
The Lord has been telling me to give up sugar. My initial thought was that it would be the cure to those last 5 pounds. But I'm not so sure that's the answer at all. I'm starting to think that by going sugar free I will simply feel better. And in feeling better, I will....I don't know.....feel better. I won't be so concerned with a number. A size. I will feel free. And in that freedom I will no longer equate a number on the scale with finally being the Girl I was meant to be. I don't know. Only time will tell. Only God knows the end from the beginning. I'll just go along for the ride, and believe He has got it all worked out!
Love, peace, and thanks to you all-
Jen
Psalm 118:5 In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and set me free.
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